Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
