i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
