I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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