In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
