our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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