I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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