did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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