Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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