At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
