Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just google imaged poop.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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