my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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