Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
