connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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