Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
