Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
