I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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