sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
