News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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