He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
this must be what syphilis tastes like
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
