great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
