please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
