I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
