woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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