Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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