I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
