You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
