im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
