I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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