I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
