captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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