woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
