Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
