we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
