Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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