shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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