I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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