Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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