i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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