6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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