My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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