I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
