It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
