Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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