you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
