Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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