Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
