I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
