I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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