he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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