3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
