you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
