You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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