if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
